Next by-election to be determined by mudfight
KUALA LUMPUR, 16 JULY 2009 – In a shock manoeuvre yesterday, the Bukit Lumpur Independent MP Mat Dong Geng resigned from his post, paving the way for another by-election in the Pahang constituency, only a short while after the tumultuous campaigning in Manek Urai this recent week.
Ignoring pleas from the Election Commission to reconsider his decision, Mat Dong Geng has cited personal reasons for his sudden resignation. Initially declining to comment on the matter, the former MP relented and said: “A couple of fellows came up to me the other day and told me that it would be in my best interests to withdraw myself from the independent movement to being an independent that was supportive of a certain coalition.”
“What did I think about it? I thought it was bullshit, so I did the other thing and quit altogether. Padan muka, now you see if you get any independence!” the former MP answered and thumbed his nose at no one in particular.
In another surprise move, the Election Commission (EC) decided today that the Bukit Lumpur by-election will not be decided by a series of campaigning and the normal electoral process, as it would be a severe wastage of public funds. Instead, the next MP for the region will be chosen according to the outcome of a tag-team mudfight.
“I know what you’re all thinking; mana boleh, brader? Mana ada mudfight dalam rules and regulations?” answered the spokesperson for the Election Commission, known only as ‘Mr. Ali.’ “We actually had this rule for a very long time -since the 1960s to be honest- but since it has never been invoked after Merdeka, we kind of forgot about it until the boss stumbled upon the rulebook last night.”
“According to Section 17A, second clause of the rulebook,” Mr. Ali began as he flipped the pages of a dusty book in front of stunned journalists, “if there should be more than seven by-elections in a single term, then subsequent by-elections will be determined by a tag-team mudfight between female members of the political arena, representing the MP for the constituency.” When asked what the first clause was, Mr. Ali stated that it was due to the wishes of the Governor of the Straits Settlements.
Almost immediately after this proclamation was announced, shock effects were felt throughout the country, especially in Parliament today where an emergency session convened this morning. For the first time in history, MPs from both sides of the great divide, as well as the Speaker, were suspended from the Dewan Rakyat for a day after failing to halt their wolf-whistling and lecherous hollering despite being instructed not to do so.
“It was getting a little too much, and I had to keep the peace otherwise who knows what might have happened eh? But then I saw myself doing just about the same thing and since I had to set an example, I suspended myself as well,” said Tan Sri Pandikar Amin Mulia, Speaker for the Dewan Rakyat.
Despite the suspensions in the Dewan Rakyat today, applications for the tag-team mudfight have already been finalized and submitted to the Election Commission. The by-election contest will consist of two teams comprising of four participants with four more in reserve in case a Battle Royale is needed. At this point, the names for the Barisan Nasional side have been confirmed as Rafidah, Ng Yen Yen, Shahrizat Abdul Jalil and Azalina Othman while Pakatan’s representatives have been identified thus far as Teo Nie Ching, Fong Po Kuan, Nurul Izzah, Hannah Yeoh and Teresa Kok.
“Who’ll win? Barisan Nasional, of course!” quoted the Deputy Prime Minister, Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, on the possible outcome of the by-election mudfight. “Not only does our side have more experience and physical strength, but we’ve also got Rafidah on our side, and she’s not called the Iron Lady for nothing, you know!”
“Barisan Nasional? Don’t make me laugh,” replied the Penang Chief Minister, YAB Lim Guan Eng over the telephone. “Doesn’t he [the DPM] know that our side has got the hotter women, therefore more agile and dexterous? We’ve definitely got the upper hand here.”
The date Bukit Lumpur by-election mudfight has yet to be finalized, although several news stations have already confirmed their intention to provide a live telecast of the event.
This is obviously satire, so angry feminists, please don’t kill me!
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