Earth burns Sun back with new tax
NEW YORK – In an effort to combat the rise of carbon emissions and curb global warming, the members of the Kyoto Protocol have come together to ratify a new directive that will effectively impose a tax on the source of solar radiation on our planet, namely the Sun.
“The sun has been releasing countless rays of solar radiation on the planet ever since the creation of the earth. We’ve been tolerating this for the past few thousand years or so, but it’s gotten really out of hand recently. Therefore, we as the global community have decided that enough is enough, and if the sun is going to bombard our atmosphere with an excessive amount of shine, then its about time that we’ve started to collect,” said Martin Heilbrau, international director of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC).
The Earth receives over 174 petawatts worth of solar radiation a day, which is equivalent to the power output of 100,000 Three Gorges Dams put together, or the weekly consumption of a typical American suburban family.
“At first we tried to contact the sun through our [UN] international office, which was to send it an angry letter, but it didn’t materialize. Later attempts to persuade with the sun have also failed, considering that our satellites always burned up when they get too close,” Heilbrau continued.
“So we were sitting around the table on evening having a couple of beers and we were wondering how we were going to make do with this situation, when Al [Gore] propped up the idea of imposing a tax on the sun. It was brilliant. Since we’re not going anywhere, and seeing how the Sun needs us in the solar system for planetary perspective -otherwise it’s just another random solar system- we might as well make some revenue out of the whole thing, eh?”
Although still in talks, the UNFCCC is considering to charge the sun an initial fifteen million dollars for every petawatt of solar radiation inflicted upon the Earth, with additional charges for people who suffer from skin cancer, liquid dehydration and sunburns. A good bit of the accumulated tax dollars will then be put into use for the study of the reduction of carbon emissions, involving a brainstorming of ideas. Among the suggestions put forward have included a cap on industrial chimneys for factories by China and a giant white dome across the Eastern Seaboard by the United States.
Other parties are not so keen on the idea, especially the Alliance of Sun Worshippers. “Look, that’s impossible. You can’t tax the sun, because it’s the greatest thing ever!” commented Mike Tonatiuh, the super-high priest of the Asia-Pacific-not-Japan region, whilst puffing on a marijuana cigarette. “What you call skin cancer, we call a blessing from the holy ball of fire, that will further our transcendence to universal solar energy!”
The sun could not be immediately reached for comment.
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