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KUALA LUMPUR, MAY 31 – Outraged by the recent attack on the Mavi Marmara, local Malay-based NGO Perkasa will be going the extra mile in voicing its opposition against the state of Israel.

“Whenever the Jews attack the Palestinian people, our MPs always have something to say. But next week, they don’t do anything. They are cowards,” Perkasa chairman Ibrahim Ali told reporters today. “They talk about boycotting Starbucks and McDonalds, but one day later, they go back to order their McValue Meals.”

“We’ve had enough, so we’re going to take it directly to the Jews. And most likely through business class.”

Although not currently flying to Tel Aviv, Ibrahim hopes to pressure Air Asia to set a special route for its planes to charter to its airport. “Air Asia has routes that go towards England, so it shouldn’t be a problem to stop halfway.”

“After we land on the ground and check out of immigration in Tel Aviv, we will head towards the nearest stadium overlooking a Jewish navy base and address the people there. This will be a peaceful event, and will have nothing to do with the idea of pushing the Jews into the sea.”

Slated to take place tomorrow, the rally, which expects to see an attendance of over 10,000 people from all over Malaysia to gather in the still-unnamed stadium. Ibrahim also expects the government to pick up the tab for the former’s members’ airplane tickets. He stated that this would be a good chance for government to display its 1Malaysia spirit to the rest of the world.

When asked what measures Perkasa members will adopt if they were to be accosted by Israeli soldiers, Ibrahim said, “We will remind the Jews that touching the Malays is going directly against Article 153 of the Federal Constitution. If they dare to touch us with their tanks, we will remind them that it is an act of sedition, and call for the ISA to be used upon them.”

Disclaimer: This is satire news, and not to be believed, or taken seriously. If you do take it seriously, then maybe you need to take a few sleeping pills.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: article 153 • constitution • ibrahim ali • isa • israel • jews • mavi marmara • palestine • perkasa

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KUALA LUMPUR, MAY 5 – If you’re going to hide weapons in your car, think again. The Royal Malaysian Police will be launching a new supernatural division designed to both detect hidden weapons and arrest potential criminals.

“The number of weapons found in cars these days is very worrying,” said Rahman Balkis, a spokesperson for the Royal Malaysian Police force. “Which is why we’re looking beyond normal means to detect them.”

Termed as Bahagian Fantasia, the new division will include humans from all walks of life including local bomohs, troll witch-doctors and psychics from television hotlines. On top of that, the force is also said to involve the help of local mythological creatures including toyols and orang halus, as well as foreign ones such as fairies, leprechauns and shoggoths.

“With their gift of foresight, the members of Bahagian Fantasia will put their knowledge and expertise of the spirit world by looking into the trunks and backseats of Malaysian car owners,” Balkis exclaimed proudly

Consisting of an initial total of 200 lifeforms, each member of the Bahagian Fantasia division will be attached to a police vehicle during a patrol. When a weapon is detected in the trunk of a person’s automobile, the occultic member would mention the information to the officers in charge before apprehending the offending motorist.

Balkis also mentioned that a list was being drawn up to determine potential items that could be deemed as a threat to a police officer, including chainsaws, samurai swords, rolling pins, spatulas and industrial-strength dildos.

When asked if the members of Bahagian Fantasia will be included in any other operation than weapon detection in automobiles, Balkis answered, “Oh, we might just lend a few of the Bahagian Fantasia members to the Narcotics division whenever they go to raid Zouk or something like that.”

Balkis also urged the public not to politicise the issue as doing so would affect the nation’s political and social stability. “Plus, some of these creatures don’t have very thick skin like we do, so we’re asking the public to sabarlah, while they scan your cars for weapons.”

Mythological creatures throughout the country have also been known to praise the latest move by the police.

“We tried for many months to apply for positions within the Ministry of Health, to no avail,” said troll witch-doctor Zagatzu as he stirred mixed a series of questionable ingredients over a cauldron at his residence in Brickfields. “Now we can truly say that we’re contributing to society by looking into people’s cars.”

“It’s good to see that the Malaysian police are taking us seriously,” said the Great Lord Cthulhu in a telephone conversation. “We were expecting a different way to make our presence known to the surface, Cthlhu ftagn Ry’leh! But this way is good too.”

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DISCLAIMER: Now, you may be inclined to believe that this post is true, and absolutely factual. Well, surprise, surprise. It’s not, so don’t go believing that it is. In fact, if it has the Satire label on it, its very likely not.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: bahagian fantasia • bomoh • car • cthulhu • faerie • fairy • leprechaun • machete • motorist • mythological • orang halus • pdrm • police • shoggoth • supernatural • toyol • troll • weapon • witch-doctor

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KUALA KUBU BAHRU, APRIL 27 – While certain quarters in the country may bemoan yet another by-election, some are actually looking forward to it, and await upcoming political campaigns with open arms.

“By-elections have proven to be a boon for Malaysians,” said Lim Eng Tong, director of the organization known as the Governmental Inheritance of Malaysian Money during by-Elections (GIMME).

“Even though some parts of the country suffer from the effects of the economic recession, areas such as Hulu Selangor and Bukit Selambau can enjoy rapid development if they simply hold a by-election.”

Speaking from the front porch of his house in Kuala Kubu Bahru, Lim said that for a constituency to experience any chance of development, both sides of the political fence would have to be actively engaged during the campaigning process, even if a by-election’s results would seem decided from the start.

“Many parts of East Malaysia are under-developed because the political opponents in that area don’t fight. If a seat’s opponents don’t bother, how can voters expect to their get basic necessities?” Lim said, as he set his foot to rest on a brand new washing machine.

According to the GIMME director, voters in many constituencies stood to enjoy benefits otherwise unknown throughout their lives such as such as shopping malls, traffic lights, clean public toilets and flavoured condoms.

Lim also encouraged the Election Commission (EC) to hold to more by-elections throughout the country, at a frequency of at least one every other week, causing a series of groans to emanate from the reporters present.

When asked if the government should just pursue general elections to spread the wealth at one go instead, the Hulu Selangor resident shook his head. “General elections are rarely good instances of injecting wealth, mostly because of the vast number of people involved. It would be like throwing a party, except that in this party you’d be serving a sip of teh tarik and half a kuih to ten thousand people.”

“Some might even suggest that the best thing that can happen to some of these constituencies is that if their Parliamentary representatives would just disappear, if you know what I mean,” Lim told the shocked members of the Press with a wink. “But of course, best thing to do is just quit lah.”

However, in response to a query concerning the injection of funds into the community involving the Opposition, Lim looked confused and responded, “The Opposition? They got money meh?”

DISCLAIMER: Just so you know, this is obviously fake news, satire, bullshit, entertainment. Jangan percaya. If you do, walk into a wall.

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: bukit selambau • by-election • campaign • east malaysia • election • election commission • gimme • government • hulu selangor • Malaysia • money • opposition • political • washing machine

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KUALA KUBU BAHRU, APRIL 21 – They say that some things can never be buried in the past, no matter how much you try. Which is what one politician found out the hard way this afternoon.

After he recently brushed aside experiences of having consumed alcoholic drinks in his younger days, Datuk Zaid Ibrahim is pulling out of the race for Hulu Selangor, as soon as pictures of him cradling a Hello Kitty lunchbox were circulated on the Internet.

“I repented as soon as I joined PKR, knowing that I had a history of drinking in my younger days,” Zaid mentioned at a press conference in Kuala Kubu Bahru earlier this afternoon. “But I never expected that people were going to find out about my Hello Kitty fixation,” Zaid wept in front of the members of the press.

First sighted on Facebook, the image depicted Zaid Ibrahim holding on tightly to the pinkly-designed Hello Kitty lunchbox. It is believed that the lunchbox -a Japanese import- is usually marketed to schoolgirls of ages eight and under.

A lifelong fan since its local inception in 1980, Zaid has admitted to allocating several rooms in his Petaling Jaya residence to storing all sorts of Hello Kitty merchandise, including a six-foot-tall plushie of the Japanese cartoon feline.

“I do hope the rakyat will forgive me on this. I feel that I have let everybody down,” Zaid sniffed as he pulled out a tissue from a Hello Kitty container.

“It was a long shot, trying to pin him down with alcoholic drinks,” said a cybertrooper over Skype, who wishes to remain unknown at this point. “But then we thought, why not dig deeper, see what we could find? And to be honest with you, we’re not quite sure how to take this. It’s actually quite scary how much the Internet has on you.”

“It might have gone easier on him if he was a Snoopy fan instead, like me,” said a disappointed Anwar Ibrahim, as he was seeing leaving Kuala Kubu Bahru wearing a Peanuts T-shirt.

“We had no idea,” said a stunned Lim Kit Siang in a conversation over the telephone. “Every man has his vices, but Hello Kitty? There’s no way we can support him now. Who’s going to take him seriously now? We’ve lost the race.”

Zaid has also admitted to keeping race-horses, kept his hair at shoulder-length, and even filled in as a temporary vocalist for international rock band The Scorpions.

However, Zaid claims that it was merely ‘the heat of the moment,’ and that “moments like that were largely confined to the 80’s,” as well as remembering the Dato’ Seri Najib Razak dressing in pink shirts with white sneakers ala-Don-Johnson.

Thanks to What Would Zaid Hold, for inspiration!

DISCLAIMER: Just so you know, this is obviously fake news, satire, bullshit, entertainment. Jangan percaya. If you do, please get hit by a bus.

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
2 Comments » Tagged with: anwar • cybertrooper • hello • hello kitty • ibrahim • kkb • kuala kubu bahru • lim kit siang • lunchbox • zaid • zaid ibrahim

NOTE: This news piece may or may not be true. Actually, it’s bullshit. Total rubbish. If you percaya, walk into a bus.

KUALA LUMPUR, APRIL 20 – Social networking tools have a more prominent position in the country than most Malaysians realize; a lesson that Shazri Norman learned yesterday.

An ordinary dispatch rider for the international mail corporation DHL, the 24-year-old Shazri Norman would log onto Foursquare and record his details every time he entered the nation’s capital.

After entering Kuala Lumpur for the 10,000^th time this month, Foursquare not only confirmed him as the Mayor of Kuala Lumpur, but it also automatically appointed him to become the city’s Datuk Bandar.

“I never expected to become the Datuk Bandar,” Shazri said at the DBKL headquarters at Jalan Raja Laut yesterday. “I was shocked of course when the DBKL fellows were knocking on my door this morning, I thought it had something to do with not paying my maintenance fees again, but they were actually an escort to take me to my new office!” the new mayor said with a big smile across his face.

“Contrary to popular opinion, there are actually three ways for citizens to assume the Datuk Bandar position in Kuala Lumpur,” said the former Datuk Bandar of Kuala Lumpur, Dato’ Ahmad Fuad Ismail as he was cleaning out his desk yesterday morning. “The normal way is through the Prime Minister’s office, and as you know, Foursquare, according to the Federal Capital Elections Act 2008. The third way is through invading the city via the Imperial Japanese Army.”

“Even though I live in KL, work in KL and attend to all my personal affairs in the city, it still wasn’t enough for me to hang on to the title,” Ahmad answered bitterly to the Press, who only clocked in a total of 5,250 sign-ins to Kuala Lumpur through Foursquare this month.

Despite being appointed as Kuala Lumpur’s Datuk Bandar, Shazri will continue to keep at his job of being a DHL dispatch rider, although he will do so from the back of a Toyota Lexus.

“I just want to make sure that nobody takes my Mayor-ship away,” the new Datuk Bandar was quoted as saying as he was entering his details through Foursquare.

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics by Cadraver
2 Comments » Tagged with: datuk bandar • foursquare • kuala lumpur • mayor

KUALA LUMPUR, FEBRUARY 17 – While many groups in the country are aimed at unifying Malaysians, one organization seems determined on doing so: through the power of racism.

Convinced that racism is the new black, the Racists Association of Malaysia (RAM) has opened its ranks to all Malaysians, regardless of race. Formerly holding to a single-race-only membership, it has sent out invitations to various communities all over the country.

“There are so many racists from all walks of life,” said Abu Halim, the former Supreme Commander of the Racists Association of Malaysia, as his colleagues were jeering at him during the press conference at RAM’s headquarters this morning. “It doesn’t seem fair to limit our association to that of one race only. We may be racist, but that doesn’t mean that we’re selfish.”

“We used to consist of just hardcore racists from one racial group, but now RAM’s ranks are open to all members of the public who want to hate on all races,” RAM board member Murthy Selvasingam was known to have said. “It’s so good to be putting down people of other racial backgrounds, and doing it as part of a group too!”

“I’m very happy to have been chosen as part of the committee,” said Xiong Chong Sheng, one of the newest members on RAM’s board of directors. “Of course, I hate Abu and Murthy and Sylvester and their kind with all my heart, but at the same time, I have to say that I really feel at home here.”

As part of the initiative, RAM’s newest objective will be to spread the wonders of racism throughout the country. Instead of being ruled by a single person, RAM’s leadership will consist of a 20-man committee, consisting of all the different minorities within Malaysia’s complex demographics.

The hate rights group also announced the influx of seven hundred new members to the once hundred-strong hate rights group, and was looking to register another three hundred individuals.Because of this, RAM will also introduce several divisions, such as its Weekend Haters wing, as well as Blind Haters, a separate department for racists from the blind community.

When asked if this would be conflicting with the organization’s original manifesto, Abu was known to have said, “It might have worked in the old days, but then we have to realize that the world is changing, even for racists like us, but I want to make myself very clear on this. We may be racists, but that doesn’t mean that we’re insular. As Malaysians, we must be united as one, even if we hate each other most dearly for it.”

“Plus RAM sounds really cool, don’t you know? If we called ourselves the Racist Malays or Racist Chinese or Racist Indians or whatever, it wouldn’t have sounded as cool as RAM. We’re racist Malaysians, and that’s how we like it!”

“Anyone can be a racist, even if they’re rich or poor, male or female, fat or thin, though of course, Singaporeans cannot join, ha ha.”

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: Malaysia • racism • racist • racists association of malaysia • ram

GEORGETOWN, FEBRUARY 12 – Minutes after withdrawing from the Pakatan Rakyat coalition, Bayan Baru MP Zahrain Mohd Hashim uncovered the real reason for his his withdrawal: its collective unfriendliness.

In a telephone conversation earlier today, Zahrain described Pakatan unenthusiastic attitude as an ‘oft-gloomy affair.’

“I’m a jovial spirit at heart, which was how I embraced my post as MP after the 2008 elections,” the Bayan Baru MP said. “But as soon as the celebrations ended, everyone stopped smiling and went into a cheerless-mode. It was most disconcerting.”

Describing himself a ‘non-BN friendly independent’ MP, the former PKR member went on to clarify that this was referring to three separate characteristics: (i) his non-affiliation with BN, (ii) his friendliness, and (iii) a reference to his independent free spirit.

Despite his best efforts to lighten up meetings at the Penang State Assembly, Zahrain mentioned that he repeatedly ran into a brick wall. An overly-serious brick wall, he claimed; though the Bayan Baru MP lops the blame on the state’s Chief Minister, Lim Guan Eng.

“Lim [Guan Eng] was never really a talkative fellow. Sure, he smiled for the camera a lot, but in real life, he was the most sordid fellow I ever met. Kalau you tengok muka dia baik baik, you’ll find that he’s actually quite garang.”

‘Golf club was practical joke’

Zahrain also went on to confirm that the tender between the Penang Golf Club and the purported two-dollar company was all part of a big practical joke. “I don’t see why Lim had to get so uptight about it. It was supposed to create a buildup for the Minister’s birthday celebrations, where we’d create this fake tension, and then release the truth with presents in his face!” Zahrain described with a shine in his voice.

“Oh well. Now I have to finish this cake all by myself,” the MP went on to lament, in between chewing noises.

When asked if the practical joke should have been done on a much smaller scale, Zahrain replied, “As leaders of the people, we often have to think in the big picture, hence the golf course. It wouldn’t make sense if we made our efforts small and unnoticeable, you know.”

According to Zahrain, the last straw came when he tried to tell a joke or two in the State Assembly last week. Instead of garnering the support he was hoping for, a pall of silence hung over the hall. “I even received a warning letter from the CM for my misconduct in the Assembly!”

Zahrain then paused before continuing, “Perhaps I should have used something other than a Yo Momma joke.”

While he won’t be associating himself with either BN or Pakatan at this juncture, Zahrain mentioned that he may return if the Chief Minister will approve of his suggestion for weekly pot luck meetings.

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: bayan baru • lim guan eng • pakatan • pakatan rakyat • penang golf club • pkr • quit • resign • zahrain