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Earth burns Sun back with new tax

NEW YORK - In an effort to combat the rise of carbon emissions and curb global warming, the members of the Kyoto Protocol have come together to ratify a new directive that will effectively impose a tax on the source of solar radiation on our planet, namely the Sun.

“The sun has been releasing countless rays of solar radiation on the planet ever since the creation of the earth. We’ve been tolerating this for the past few thousand years or so, but it’s gotten really out of hand recently. Therefore, we as the global community have decided that enough is enough, and if the sun is going to bombard our atmosphere with an excessive amount of shine, then its about time that we’ve started to collect,” said Martin Heilbrau, international director of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC).

The Earth receives over 174 petawatts worth of solar radiation a day, which is equivalent to the power output of 100,000 Three Gorges Dams put together, or the weekly consumption of a typical American suburban family.

“At first we tried to contact the sun through our [UN] international office, which was to send it an angry letter, but it didn’t materialize. Later attempts to persuade with the sun have also failed, considering that our satellites always burned up when they get too close,” Heilbrau continued.

“So we were sitting around the table on evening having a couple of beers and we were wondering how we were going to make do with this situation, when Al [Gore] propped up the idea of imposing a tax on the sun. It was brilliant. Since we’re not going anywhere, and seeing how the Sun needs us in the solar system for planetary perspective -otherwise it’s just another random solar system- we might as well make some revenue out of the whole thing, eh?”

Although still in talks, the UNFCCC is considering to charge the sun an initial fifteen million dollars for every petawatt of solar radiation inflicted upon the Earth, with additional charges for people who suffer from skin cancer, liquid dehydration and sunburns. A good bit of the accumulated tax dollars will then be put into use for the study of the reduction of carbon emissions, involving a brainstorming of ideas. Among the suggestions put forward have included a cap on industrial chimneys for factories by China and a giant white dome across the Eastern Seaboard by the United States.

Other parties are not so keen on the idea, especially the Alliance of Sun Worshippers. “Look, that’s impossible. You can’t tax the sun, because it’s the greatest thing ever!” commented Mike Tonatiuh, the super-high priest of the Asia-Pacific-not-Japan region, whilst puffing on a marijuana cigarette. “What you call skin cancer, we call a blessing from the holy ball of fire, that will further our transcendence to universal solar energy!”

The sun could not be immediately reached for comment.

Filed under: Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: earth • environment • greenhouse • kyoto protocol • pollution • sun

Police to implement robotic traffic force

KUALA LUMPUR - The Royal Malaysian Police Force (PDRM) today announced the launch of its Automated Road Safety Environment (ARSE) task force, consisting of three T-800 models, in its latest initiative to reduce traffic woes on Klang Valley roads.

“With this new task force in place, we will be able to reduce traffic problems in afflicted areas within Kuala Lumpur,” said Datuk Hamil Othman, Deputy Inspector-General of Police. “This is also in conjunction with the complaints about the hot sun that our officers have to endure, day after day.”

The three T-800 models will be the first of a series of installments that are to occur throughout the Klang Valley. The three will be stationed at busy intersections, namely the Jalan Pahang roundabout, Jalan Tun Tan Cheng Lock and Jalan Tun HS Lee junction, and the Jalan Imbi and Jalan Hang Tuah junction.

The event also featured the signing ceremony between the PDRM and Cyberdyne Systems, the manufacturer of the T-800 models, and was witnessed by the Minister of Transport, Datuk Seri Ong Tee Keat, Also present at the ceremony was Skynet-010, head of Cyberdyne Systems for the South-East-Asia region and Mr. George Lazlo, head of Technology for Cyberdyne Systems.

Datuk Hamil Othman said that the T-800 models will be fitted with the proper PDRM uniform so as to not alarm the public, and to gain a quick and familiar view of the task force units. “This was also something we had to consider when implementing ARSE in compliance with our public decency regulations. We can’t have naked officers walking around now, can we? Therefore, we have to uphold the image of the police force in the eyes of the rakyat.”

He also added that the T-800s will have an anti-rasuah electronic badge pinned to their uniform, and will be closely monitored by ARSE personnel in lieu of recent bribery claims against traffic officers. “In the event of a motorist attempting to settle his way out of an offense, and if the offender refuses to accept a summons, we’ll have to step in and resolve the case from a face-to-face perspective,” Datuk Hamil Othman answered.

When asked on why the T-800s were not used to combat crime instead, the Deputy Inspector-General responded, “We actually tried to implement the models in crime hot spots, such as the Chow Kit area. Unfortunately, it was a drastic failure as the T-800s were unable to apprehend any criminals in the act,” Datuk Hamil Othman said as he shook his head.

“They were in full view of the public, machine-guns and everything! And in the one month that we were in observation, not a single crime was detected! We decided that the T-800 was perhaps not meant for fighting crime and relegated them to our Traffic Division where they performed perfectly,” he told the stunned Press.

The ARSE will be implemented in stages over a period of 12 weeks, whereby RM24 million has already been invested, whilst another RM300 million will be added to install the remaining models.

Filed under: Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: pdrm • police • robots • Satire • skynet • t-800 • terminator

Evidence of ‘racist flu’ declassified by the FBI

Disclaimer at bottom.

NEW YORK - While the world is coming to grips with the H1N1 flu, declassified documents from the FBI have recently revealed the existence of a ‘racist flu’, engineered by radical Klansmen in the 60s in order to achieve racial genocide, albeit with very disastrous results.

“It came about after a night at the waterin’ hole,” said Robert Moseley, former Klansman of the Klu Klux Klan, who has come to terms with his former lifestyle as an avid racist. “It was just after Luther King first come, and they were like breeding like rats, so we decided on coming up with something that would just bag ‘em all in one stroke.”

Coupled with the directions of former Nazi scientist Dr. Harold Keltermeyer -whose writings would later influence the United States military to propose the ‘gay bomb’ in 1994- the Klu Klux Klan obtained a series of pandemic flu strains from the Hong Kong flu in 1968, and combined it with a liquid extract of Klan ideology from chosen Klansmen.

After months of testing, a strain was finally engineered and administered to test subjects that were sampled from the streets of the Southern United States, before finally being brought back to a Klu Klux center in Tenessee and injected with the ‘race flu’.

Because of the intention of infecting as many people as possible, the strain was designed to remain dormant in the host’s system for three days before becoming active. Because of this, the test subjects were given preferential treatment by the scientists as part of the infection process.

“I was kind of suspicious at first,” says Bubba O’rimes, one of the ten former test subjects who were invited onto pickup trucks. “I was pretty scared at the time, but they treated us real swell, and told us to tell our folk that them white folk was making amends.”

“Butter on the cobs, roast bird we got. Their kids didn’t bite us, and they even took us huntin’! It was the best day we’ve had with the Klan, and we thought that everythin’ was finally gonna be fine between them honkies and us.”

The test subjects were injected on the last day as a ‘measaure of good will’ before they were boarded onto a bus that allowed them to sit on the ‘Whites Only’ seats, before being dropped off at Badger Falls, Tennesse, which had a then-black population of over five hundred. As soon as the subjects got off the bus, Klansmen operatives monitored their progress and their developments in the town.

The plan was a success, if only in the completely opposite direction. As soon as the flu strains turned active, they began to react to the African-American genes, and ‘looked’ for ways to stay away from the test subjects.

“Oops, we realized,” Robert said, who was in Atlanta at the time. “Instead of infecting the black population, the virus avoided them completely. They preferred to mix around the white people, and would transmit onto the ‘White Only’ seats on the buses and the ‘White Only’ restaurants in the town.”

The strains that were initially dormant on the test subjects immediately infected passengers on the bus, who in turn transmitted the ‘racist flu’ to other members of the public. Armed with Klansmen views, the virus began to seek shelter in white-only gatherings, including the moonshine-gathering meetings and the weekly church bingo sessions.

“It was everywhere,” Robert continued. “First from the buses to the schools to the brothels and to the dentures factory. Looking back in hindsight though, it probably was a pretty damned good strain.”

A little too good, according to flu expert, Francis Bartholomew, regional director of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). “It was the first of its kind, really. As the first and only virus to incorporate the hate gene, it likened to the white population so much that it wanted to be a part of their everyday lives. And their deaths too, it seemed.”

The ‘race flu’ eventually killed every all two thousand of the Badger Falls’ white population, including Dr. Keltermeyer and his assistants. It happened so quickly that it was unable to affect neighbouring towns.

Asked if the virus might have been more effective towards if it contained African-American genes instead, Bubba O’rimes replied, “Nah, ain’t gonna happen. I don’t take mighty kind to some of my folk either.”

Disclaimer: I’m not a racist. But I like satire, and this is my first attempt. Comments anyone?

Filed under: Satire by Cadraver
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Radio Paradise

If there was one radio station that I had to choose as my favourite, it would be Radio Paradise. An Internet radio station that I discovered in the middle of last year, it’s playlists range from electronica to classic rock, and from world music to all manner of jazz. Incredibly free and devoid of any commercials whatsoever, with the slight exception of their DJs appear ‘on the air’ every so often to let you know about the station and the complete lack of commercials that you might hear on other broadcasts.

Repeated by their DJs time and time again, Radio Paradise is ‘listener-supported’, meaning that it relies totally on the contributions of its listeners. Available off its website (www.radioparadise.com), it remains to be one of the most popular online radio stations around, passing the 10,000 mark in early 2006. Little wonder really, considering that the majority of the songs in playback are not only of quality, but also mostly unheard of in the mainstream airwaves.

From the easy-going and uplifting tunes of Mike Doughty to the folksy rhythms of Dar Williams, the chill-out electronica of Morcheeba to the space sounds of God is an Astronaut, the enigmatic And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead to the haunting vocals of Azam Ali, this station definitely delivers. There appears to be no lack of interesting music played out, though if you follow the current top 40s religiously, you might turn away slightly disappointed from the current selection of music as none of that appears to be an emphasis here.

As an anti-hip-hop and anti-rap activist (there are always exceptions to the case, of course), however, it doesn’t really bother me. Anyways, go ahead and give it a shot.

Radio Paradise Logo

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