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KUALA LUMPUR, FEBRUARY 17 – While many groups in the country are aimed at unifying Malaysians, one organization seems determined on doing so: through the power of racism.

Convinced that racism is the new black, the Racists Association of Malaysia (RAM) has opened its ranks to all Malaysians, regardless of race. Formerly holding to a single-race-only membership, it has sent out invitations to various communities all over the country.

“There are so many racists from all walks of life,” said Abu Halim, the former Supreme Commander of the Racists Association of Malaysia, as his colleagues were jeering at him during the press conference at RAM’s headquarters this morning. “It doesn’t seem fair to limit our association to that of one race only. We may be racist, but that doesn’t mean that we’re selfish.”

“We used to consist of just hardcore racists from one racial group, but now RAM’s ranks are open to all members of the public who want to hate on all races,” RAM board member Murthy Selvasingam was known to have said. “It’s so good to be putting down people of other racial backgrounds, and doing it as part of a group too!”

“I’m very happy to have been chosen as part of the committee,” said Xiong Chong Sheng, one of the newest members on RAM’s board of directors. “Of course, I hate Abu and Murthy and Sylvester and their kind with all my heart, but at the same time, I have to say that I really feel at home here.”

As part of the initiative, RAM’s newest objective will be to spread the wonders of racism throughout the country. Instead of being ruled by a single person, RAM’s leadership will consist of a 20-man committee, consisting of all the different minorities within Malaysia’s complex demographics.

The hate rights group also announced the influx of seven hundred new members to the once hundred-strong hate rights group, and was looking to register another three hundred individuals.Because of this, RAM will also introduce several divisions, such as its Weekend Haters wing, as well as Blind Haters, a separate department for racists from the blind community.

When asked if this would be conflicting with the organization’s original manifesto, Abu was known to have said, “It might have worked in the old days, but then we have to realize that the world is changing, even for racists like us, but I want to make myself very clear on this. We may be racists, but that doesn’t mean that we’re insular. As Malaysians, we must be united as one, even if we hate each other most dearly for it.”

“Plus RAM sounds really cool, don’t you know? If we called ourselves the Racist Malays or Racist Chinese or Racist Indians or whatever, it wouldn’t have sounded as cool as RAM. We’re racist Malaysians, and that’s how we like it!”

“Anyone can be a racist, even if they’re rich or poor, male or female, fat or thin, though of course, Singaporeans cannot join, ha ha.”

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: Malaysia • racism • racist • racists association of malaysia • ram

GEORGETOWN, FEBRUARY 12 – Minutes after withdrawing from the Pakatan Rakyat coalition, Bayan Baru MP Zahrain Mohd Hashim uncovered the real reason for his his withdrawal: its collective unfriendliness.

In a telephone conversation earlier today, Zahrain described Pakatan unenthusiastic attitude as an ‘oft-gloomy affair.’

“I’m a jovial spirit at heart, which was how I embraced my post as MP after the 2008 elections,” the Bayan Baru MP said. “But as soon as the celebrations ended, everyone stopped smiling and went into a cheerless-mode. It was most disconcerting.”

Describing himself a ‘non-BN friendly independent’ MP, the former PKR member went on to clarify that this was referring to three separate characteristics: (i) his non-affiliation with BN, (ii) his friendliness, and (iii) a reference to his independent free spirit.

Despite his best efforts to lighten up meetings at the Penang State Assembly, Zahrain mentioned that he repeatedly ran into a brick wall. An overly-serious brick wall, he claimed; though the Bayan Baru MP lops the blame on the state’s Chief Minister, Lim Guan Eng.

“Lim [Guan Eng] was never really a talkative fellow. Sure, he smiled for the camera a lot, but in real life, he was the most sordid fellow I ever met. Kalau you tengok muka dia baik baik, you’ll find that he’s actually quite garang.”

‘Golf club was practical joke’

Zahrain also went on to confirm that the tender between the Penang Golf Club and the purported two-dollar company was all part of a big practical joke. “I don’t see why Lim had to get so uptight about it. It was supposed to create a buildup for the Minister’s birthday celebrations, where we’d create this fake tension, and then release the truth with presents in his face!” Zahrain described with a shine in his voice.

“Oh well. Now I have to finish this cake all by myself,” the MP went on to lament, in between chewing noises.

When asked if the practical joke should have been done on a much smaller scale, Zahrain replied, “As leaders of the people, we often have to think in the big picture, hence the golf course. It wouldn’t make sense if we made our efforts small and unnoticeable, you know.”

According to Zahrain, the last straw came when he tried to tell a joke or two in the State Assembly last week. Instead of garnering the support he was hoping for, a pall of silence hung over the hall. “I even received a warning letter from the CM for my misconduct in the Assembly!”

Zahrain then paused before continuing, “Perhaps I should have used something other than a Yo Momma joke.”

While he won’t be associating himself with either BN or Pakatan at this juncture, Zahrain mentioned that he may return if the Chief Minister will approve of his suggestion for weekly pot luck meetings.

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: bayan baru • lim guan eng • pakatan • pakatan rakyat • penang golf club • pkr • quit • resign • zahrain

KUALA LUMPUR, JANUARY 12 - In light of the recent attacks on churches in Malaysia, the Malaysian government has introduced a new set of churches that has been said to withstand projectile weapons such as Molotov cocktails.

Termed as Porta-Church technology, the churches will be fashioned primarily from plastic and polystyrene materials, and will replace many existing centres of worship throughout the country. True to its name, the churches will also be able to exist in a portable state, and can be assembled by a team of 30 people in under two hours.

“We are very concerned with the attacks, and while matters are currently under control, we want to make sure that future firebombing incidents will not affect Christian Malaysians,” said the Minister of Home Affairs, Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein at a press conference this evening.

The press conference was then followed by a demonstration that tested the strength of the new Porta-Churches. Church officials from across Malaysia were invited to watch as a team of arsonists conducted a firebombing reenactment on two miniature church models, notably a Porta-Church and the other being a traditional structure made from old-fashioned materials such as stone, glass and wood.

After being struck being a Molotov cocktail each, the traditional church model burned to the ground within a matter of seconds, while the Porta-Church remained relatively intact even after the fire died out.

Many church officials in the country have commended the move, calling it a ’step forward’ for relations between the ruling government and the local Christian community.

“We applaud the move by the government and its efforts to give us new freedom of worship,” said Margaret Chiam, a church official hailing from Petaling Jaya. “Some of us may say that times are tough, but according to our teaching, we are required to be humble and turn the other cheek, so in this we feel that we would be putting our preaching into practice.”

According to the minister, the Porta-Churches will take a page from houses built in disaster-prone areas such as the Californian earthquake belt, and the western coastline of Sumatra. Hishammuddin also stated that his ministry was inspired by the concept of Lego bricks, and how easy it was to put a structure together in the least possible amount of time.

Other than being able to withstand fire, Porta-Churches will also have special features that will be relevant to the Christian community. Some will have specially-padded floors for Pentecostal believers, stained plastic LED windows, foldable plastic pulpits and styrofoam communion sets.

However, Hishammuddin mentioned that in order for the Porta-Churches to be used at its fullest potential, they would have to have a security team on constant standby. “Unfortunately the government cannot keep an eye on all the churches, so a separate team will have to take their own action when spotting potential arsonists.”

The minister cautioned the public to be especially wary of motorcycle users, as arsonists were more likely to use them for causing these hit-and-run attacks. “The people will have take into account all motorcycle users who are seen riding around church compounds. Any riders seen in a compound for more than a few minutes should be reported to the authorities.”

Note: Moving with the times. We’ll see orbital churches next!

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: attack • church • firebombing • hishammuddin • lego • molotov • porta • porta-church • styrofoam

Happy New Year 2010 everyone! Here’s one to start the new year.

WASHINGTON DC, JANUARY 1 - Keeping passengers rooted to their seats and away from their hand luggage won’t be the only thing preventing terrorists from operating on U.S. airlines.

A new security ruling by the U.S. Transport Security Administration (TSA) has determined that spice-laden food or drinks will not be allowed to be carried by passengers or served in their inflight meals.

The change comes only days after the TSA released its latest ruling for safety guidelines over United States airspace, limiting passengers to their seats in the last hour of a landing flight.

According to a recent statement by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, airlines entering U.S. airspace from affected where spice was known to be in higher quantities -such as Afghanistan, Iraq, India, Malaysia and Thailand- ran higher risks of inflight detonations than many other countries in the rest of the world.

“We have determined that certain foods can trigger explosive chemical reactions from within, and not just without,” Janet was quoted as saying. “We are also making sure that flights heading into the United States from now on will serve safer foods, and abstain from the usage of household spices that can be used in the likely event of an attack, including salt and pepper.”

According to Homeland Security, a terrorist can detonate an ingested supply of PETN (pentaerythritol tetranitrate) by simply consuming a certain type of food, causing the digested contents to chemically react with the explosives.

“We would like to think that we’re practicing a measure of prevention being better than the cure,” Janet was known to have said in her statement. “Terrorists around the world are getting more and more resourceful, and we want to nip them in the bud; especially if its a bud of tumeric.”

In addition to the latest ruling, the TSA will also be keeping a close eye on passengers who use the bathroom during an ongoing flight, and all commercial aircraft entering U.S. airspace will be required to install closed-circuit surveillance cameras in airline toilet booths.

Filed under: Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: airline • airplane • curry • homeland security • janet napolitano • petn • spice • transport security administration • tsa • united states • us

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 26 – Despite the removal of two jet engines from Malaysian soil, a team of determined Malaysians comprising of various governmental departments has decided that it will stop at nothing to bring the missing equipment back.

Termed as Operasi Tangkap Enjin (OTE), the task force will be deployed to Argentina and will feature a total of 30 operatives from the Royal Malaysian Police (RMP), the Ministry of Home Affairs and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

The formation of the special task force was announced to the public at a ceremony outside the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre (KLCC) earlier today, and was officiated by the Minister of Home Affairs, Dato’ Seri Hishammudin Tun Hussein. Taking place over the course of two hours, the event involved a series of traditional dances and performances by local artistes, as well as the members of the OTE team posing for the media.

“After we found out that the engines were taken to Argentina, we came up with the most logical solution available to us at the moment, which was to take them back,” said Malaysia’s police chief, Tan Sri Musa Hassan in a press conference after the ceremony today. “We are confident that our actions will strike terror in the hearts of the Argentinian engine-nabbers!”

South American itinerary

After arriving in Buenos Aires, the OTE task force will set up a base of operations in one of the hotels within the city. To assist in the operations, a Nuri helicopter supplied by the Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF) will be supplied to the team in parts and will be assembled by the OTE personnel as soon as they land on the South American continent. The team will also include three dog handlers and their search-and-rescue German Shepherds specifically trained to sniff out the errant jet engines.

“I am very happy to be a part of this task force. We will stay in Argentina until we find the engines,” said Lieutenant Rafiz Hanirozlin, the representative from the RMP who will be heading the OTE task force. Clad in a bright yellow uniforms, the members of the team will be required to bring a Jalur Gemilang flag each to clearly display Malaysian representation in its foreign affairs.

According to Hishammuddin, a government-sponsored blogger will be made part of the team to ensure the smooth flow of communication between the task force and the Malaysian government. “The events will also be made public to show the progress of the OTE personnel,” said the Minister of Home Affairs. “We will also develop a page on the 1Malaysia website and inspire the rakyat to vote for their favourite OTE member over the Internet.”

In response to a question regarding the engines being sold as opposed to being taken, the IGP replied, “I don’t see any receipt involving the sale of these engines. To date, we have received no information on the matter, and if the affected parties cannot come up with an invoice detailing the sale of these engines, then we have to classify this case under theft.”

Hishammudin further mentioned that the OTE expedition will commence as soon as Air Asia forms a travel route to Argentina.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: air asia • argentina • buenos aires • f5e engine • foreign affairs • hishammuddin • home affairs • jet engine • musa hassan • ote • police • rmp • tangkap enjin

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 26 – In an effort to ease road congestion in the capital city, the local government has embarked on the construction of fast lanes for Kuala Lumpur’s sidewalks. The move, which is expected to commence in early 2010 and cost up to RM500 million, will start from the Bukit Bintang area and will branch out accordingly to outlying areas.

“For a very long time, we were getting a high amount of traffic occurring in the city centre, especially during the rush hour period. So we consulted with the departments in the council, and found out that 92 percent of the people wanted this,” Dato’ Ahmad Fuad Ismail, Kuala Lumpur’s Datuk Bandar was quoted as saying at the fast-lane opening ceremony yesterday. “It is also part of our dream to transform Kuala Lumpur into a pedestrian-friendly city.”

The ceremony was officiated by the Datuk Bandar making a brisk walk on the fast lane measuring 100 metres near the Twin Towers. Following the current highway model in most parts of the country, sidewalks across the city will be extended and divided into three different lanes, with the utmost right being painted green to signify the fast lanes.

The Datuk Bandar mentioned that pedestrians using the city’s sidewalks will have to follow the same direction as the cars on the street. “We cannot have people walking in multiple directions on the same sidewalk,” Ahmad said. “If we had the same thing happening on our country’s roads, there would be chaos. In the interest of public safety, people walking against the flow of traffic will be cautioned and told to take the other side of the road. Hence, we must follow the uniform direction and make sure that no untoward incidents take place.”

In order to enforce this upcoming addition, teams comprising of both uniformed and plainclothes council officers will be stationed at selected stretches to keep an eye on pedestrians who walk beyond the speed limit. Ahmad added that these teams will be armed with speed cameras, and that walkers using the fast lanes found to be traveling beyond the speed limit of 5 kilometres an hour will be subject to warnings from the police.

However, Ahmad mentioned that both the city council and police force will be considerably less lenient on runners using the city’s sidewalks. “We will not tolerate the activities of the mat runners,” the Datuk Bandar warned before stepping into his Mercedes-Benz. “If people wish to run, they should do so on the race track or face the consequences.”

Ahmad went on to say that anyone other than the police found running will be charged according to the City Walking Act 2008, and if citizens wished to partake in running activities, they would have to obtain a permit from the city council.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: city walking act • fast lane • kuala lumpur • mat runner • pedestrian • running • sidewalk • walking

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 17 - In a bid to boost its tourism status in the region, the Ministry of Tourism has announced a plan to build a new theme park that will cater to visitors from the Middle East. Termed as 1Pasirland and planned for construction in Shah Alam, the theme park will cost approximately RM500 million to build and will be twice the size of the Sunway Lagoon theme park.

“We already have had so many water parks in the country,” said Dato’ Seri Dr. Ng Yen Yen, the Minister of Tourism. “And since there are already winter parks, summer parks and even space-themed parks in the rest of the world,  so [the Ministry] thought of doing something different for a change. After careful discussion with many tourism agencies and research from governmental departments, we decided to build up on the attraction to the Middle Eastern demographic.”

Instead of using water, the 1Pasirland theme park will expound primarily on what the Middle East is famous for; its vast open deserts and sand. Amongst the 1Pasirland attractions will include a a roller coaster ride through the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves, a 50-metre-long sand slide, a sand storm arena with sand jets for visitors to spray their friends with. “We will also have sand spas where visitors will be able to submerge themselves in, just like mud spas!” Dr. Ng was known to say excitedly.

While the 1Pasirland theme park will be built to cater for Arab tourists, the park will also add in a touch of Malaysian culture. Instead of using belly dancers, visitors to the 1Pasirland park will be treated to a wide range of burqa-wearing dangdut and joget performances.

According to Dr. Ng, Shah Alam was chosen because it was the closest thing Malaysia had when it came to deserts. “We didn’t want to bulldoze another jungle to build another theme park, especially after the Prime Minister had just come back from COP15, so we had to go for something with a bit more open space. Shah Alam was the best choice because not only is it full of barren wastelands, its also a metaphorical desert when it comes to entertainment.”

The Ministry of Tourism has also mentioned that the construction of the 1Pasirland park will require over 100,000 tons of sand. Because of this, the government is looking forward to talks with its neighbours, including the Singaporean government to make way for the importing of sand.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: 1pasirland • ministry of tourism • ng yen yen • sand • sand park • shah alam