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KUALA LUMPUR, JANUARY 12 - In light of the recent attacks on churches in Malaysia, the Malaysian government has introduced a new set of churches that has been said to withstand projectile weapons such as Molotov cocktails.

Termed as Porta-Church technology, the churches will be fashioned primarily from plastic and polystyrene materials, and will replace many existing centres of worship throughout the country. True to its name, the churches will also be able to exist in a portable state, and can be assembled by a team of 30 people in under two hours.

“We are very concerned with the attacks, and while matters are currently under control, we want to make sure that future firebombing incidents will not affect Christian Malaysians,” said the Minister of Home Affairs, Dato’ Seri Hishammuddin Hussein at a press conference this evening.

The press conference was then followed by a demonstration that tested the strength of the new Porta-Churches. Church officials from across Malaysia were invited to watch as a team of arsonists conducted a firebombing reenactment on two miniature church models, notably a Porta-Church and the other being a traditional structure made from old-fashioned materials such as stone, glass and wood.

After being struck being a Molotov cocktail each, the traditional church model burned to the ground within a matter of seconds, while the Porta-Church remained relatively intact even after the fire died out.

Many church officials in the country have commended the move, calling it a ’step forward’ for relations between the ruling government and the local Christian community.

“We applaud the move by the government and its efforts to give us new freedom of worship,” said Margaret Chiam, a church official hailing from Petaling Jaya. “Some of us may say that times are tough, but according to our teaching, we are required to be humble and turn the other cheek, so in this we feel that we would be putting our preaching into practice.”

According to the minister, the Porta-Churches will take a page from houses built in disaster-prone areas such as the Californian earthquake belt, and the western coastline of Sumatra. Hishammuddin also stated that his ministry was inspired by the concept of Lego bricks, and how easy it was to put a structure together in the least possible amount of time.

Other than being able to withstand fire, Porta-Churches will also have special features that will be relevant to the Christian community. Some will have specially-padded floors for Pentecostal believers, stained plastic LED windows, foldable plastic pulpits and styrofoam communion sets.

However, Hishammuddin mentioned that in order for the Porta-Churches to be used at its fullest potential, they would have to have a security team on constant standby. “Unfortunately the government cannot keep an eye on all the churches, so a separate team will have to take their own action when spotting potential arsonists.”

The minister cautioned the public to be especially wary of motorcycle users, as arsonists were more likely to use them for causing these hit-and-run attacks. “The people will have take into account all motorcycle users who are seen riding around church compounds. Any riders seen in a compound for more than a few minutes should be reported to the authorities.”

Note: Moving with the times. We’ll see orbital churches next!

Filed under: Malaysia, Politics, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: attack • church • firebombing • hishammuddin • lego • molotov • porta • porta-church • styrofoam

Happy New Year 2010 everyone! Here’s one to start the new year.

WASHINGTON DC, JANUARY 1 - Keeping passengers rooted to their seats and away from their hand luggage won’t be the only thing preventing terrorists from operating on U.S. airlines.

A new security ruling by the U.S. Transport Security Administration (TSA) has determined that spice-laden food or drinks will not be allowed to be carried by passengers or served in their inflight meals.

The change comes only days after the TSA released its latest ruling for safety guidelines over United States airspace, limiting passengers to their seats in the last hour of a landing flight.

According to a recent statement by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, airlines entering U.S. airspace from affected where spice was known to be in higher quantities -such as Afghanistan, Iraq, India, Malaysia and Thailand- ran higher risks of inflight detonations than many other countries in the rest of the world.

“We have determined that certain foods can trigger explosive chemical reactions from within, and not just without,” Janet was quoted as saying. “We are also making sure that flights heading into the United States from now on will serve safer foods, and abstain from the usage of household spices that can be used in the likely event of an attack, including salt and pepper.”

According to Homeland Security, a terrorist can detonate an ingested supply of PETN (pentaerythritol tetranitrate) by simply consuming a certain type of food, causing the digested contents to chemically react with the explosives.

“We would like to think that we’re practicing a measure of prevention being better than the cure,” Janet was known to have said in her statement. “Terrorists around the world are getting more and more resourceful, and we want to nip them in the bud; especially if its a bud of tumeric.”

In addition to the latest ruling, the TSA will also be keeping a close eye on passengers who use the bathroom during an ongoing flight, and all commercial aircraft entering U.S. airspace will be required to install closed-circuit surveillance cameras in airline toilet booths.

Filed under: Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: airline • airplane • curry • homeland security • janet napolitano • petn • spice • transport security administration • tsa • united states • us

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 26 – Despite the removal of two jet engines from Malaysian soil, a team of determined Malaysians comprising of various governmental departments has decided that it will stop at nothing to bring the missing equipment back.

Termed as Operasi Tangkap Enjin (OTE), the task force will be deployed to Argentina and will feature a total of 30 operatives from the Royal Malaysian Police (RMP), the Ministry of Home Affairs and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

The formation of the special task force was announced to the public at a ceremony outside the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre (KLCC) earlier today, and was officiated by the Minister of Home Affairs, Dato’ Seri Hishammudin Tun Hussein. Taking place over the course of two hours, the event involved a series of traditional dances and performances by local artistes, as well as the members of the OTE team posing for the media.

“After we found out that the engines were taken to Argentina, we came up with the most logical solution available to us at the moment, which was to take them back,” said Malaysia’s police chief, Tan Sri Musa Hassan in a press conference after the ceremony today. “We are confident that our actions will strike terror in the hearts of the Argentinian engine-nabbers!”

South American itinerary

After arriving in Buenos Aires, the OTE task force will set up a base of operations in one of the hotels within the city. To assist in the operations, a Nuri helicopter supplied by the Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF) will be supplied to the team in parts and will be assembled by the OTE personnel as soon as they land on the South American continent. The team will also include three dog handlers and their search-and-rescue German Shepherds specifically trained to sniff out the errant jet engines.

“I am very happy to be a part of this task force. We will stay in Argentina until we find the engines,” said Lieutenant Rafiz Hanirozlin, the representative from the RMP who will be heading the OTE task force. Clad in a bright yellow uniforms, the members of the team will be required to bring a Jalur Gemilang flag each to clearly display Malaysian representation in its foreign affairs.

According to Hishammuddin, a government-sponsored blogger will be made part of the team to ensure the smooth flow of communication between the task force and the Malaysian government. “The events will also be made public to show the progress of the OTE personnel,” said the Minister of Home Affairs. “We will also develop a page on the 1Malaysia website and inspire the rakyat to vote for their favourite OTE member over the Internet.”

In response to a question regarding the engines being sold as opposed to being taken, the IGP replied, “I don’t see any receipt involving the sale of these engines. To date, we have received no information on the matter, and if the affected parties cannot come up with an invoice detailing the sale of these engines, then we have to classify this case under theft.”

Hishammudin further mentioned that the OTE expedition will commence as soon as Air Asia forms a travel route to Argentina.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: air asia • argentina • buenos aires • f5e engine • foreign affairs • hishammuddin • home affairs • jet engine • musa hassan • ote • police • rmp • tangkap enjin

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 26 – In an effort to ease road congestion in the capital city, the local government has embarked on the construction of fast lanes for Kuala Lumpur’s sidewalks. The move, which is expected to commence in early 2010 and cost up to RM500 million, will start from the Bukit Bintang area and will branch out accordingly to outlying areas.

“For a very long time, we were getting a high amount of traffic occurring in the city centre, especially during the rush hour period. So we consulted with the departments in the council, and found out that 92 percent of the people wanted this,” Dato’ Ahmad Fuad Ismail, Kuala Lumpur’s Datuk Bandar was quoted as saying at the fast-lane opening ceremony yesterday. “It is also part of our dream to transform Kuala Lumpur into a pedestrian-friendly city.”

The ceremony was officiated by the Datuk Bandar making a brisk walk on the fast lane measuring 100 metres near the Twin Towers. Following the current highway model in most parts of the country, sidewalks across the city will be extended and divided into three different lanes, with the utmost right being painted green to signify the fast lanes.

The Datuk Bandar mentioned that pedestrians using the city’s sidewalks will have to follow the same direction as the cars on the street. “We cannot have people walking in multiple directions on the same sidewalk,” Ahmad said. “If we had the same thing happening on our country’s roads, there would be chaos. In the interest of public safety, people walking against the flow of traffic will be cautioned and told to take the other side of the road. Hence, we must follow the uniform direction and make sure that no untoward incidents take place.”

In order to enforce this upcoming addition, teams comprising of both uniformed and plainclothes council officers will be stationed at selected stretches to keep an eye on pedestrians who walk beyond the speed limit. Ahmad added that these teams will be armed with speed cameras, and that walkers using the fast lanes found to be traveling beyond the speed limit of 5 kilometres an hour will be subject to warnings from the police.

However, Ahmad mentioned that both the city council and police force will be considerably less lenient on runners using the city’s sidewalks. “We will not tolerate the activities of the mat runners,” the Datuk Bandar warned before stepping into his Mercedes-Benz. “If people wish to run, they should do so on the race track or face the consequences.”

Ahmad went on to say that anyone other than the police found running will be charged according to the City Walking Act 2008, and if citizens wished to partake in running activities, they would have to obtain a permit from the city council.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: city walking act • fast lane • kuala lumpur • mat runner • pedestrian • running • sidewalk • walking

KUALA LUMPUR, DECEMBER 17 - In a bid to boost its tourism status in the region, the Ministry of Tourism has announced a plan to build a new theme park that will cater to visitors from the Middle East. Termed as 1Pasirland and planned for construction in Shah Alam, the theme park will cost approximately RM500 million to build and will be twice the size of the Sunway Lagoon theme park.

“We already have had so many water parks in the country,” said Dato’ Seri Dr. Ng Yen Yen, the Minister of Tourism. “And since there are already winter parks, summer parks and even space-themed parks in the rest of the world,  so [the Ministry] thought of doing something different for a change. After careful discussion with many tourism agencies and research from governmental departments, we decided to build up on the attraction to the Middle Eastern demographic.”

Instead of using water, the 1Pasirland theme park will expound primarily on what the Middle East is famous for; its vast open deserts and sand. Amongst the 1Pasirland attractions will include a a roller coaster ride through the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves, a 50-metre-long sand slide, a sand storm arena with sand jets for visitors to spray their friends with. “We will also have sand spas where visitors will be able to submerge themselves in, just like mud spas!” Dr. Ng was known to say excitedly.

While the 1Pasirland theme park will be built to cater for Arab tourists, the park will also add in a touch of Malaysian culture. Instead of using belly dancers, visitors to the 1Pasirland park will be treated to a wide range of burqa-wearing dangdut and joget performances.

According to Dr. Ng, Shah Alam was chosen because it was the closest thing Malaysia had when it came to deserts. “We didn’t want to bulldoze another jungle to build another theme park, especially after the Prime Minister had just come back from COP15, so we had to go for something with a bit more open space. Shah Alam was the best choice because not only is it full of barren wastelands, its also a metaphorical desert when it comes to entertainment.”

The Ministry of Tourism has also mentioned that the construction of the 1Pasirland park will require over 100,000 tons of sand. Because of this, the government is looking forward to talks with its neighbours, including the Singaporean government to make way for the importing of sand.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: 1pasirland • ministry of tourism • ng yen yen • sand • sand park • shah alam

BANGSAR, DECEMBER 11 – Fed up with not having to enjoy another Selangor public holiday, the constituency of Lembah Pantai has seceded from the Federal Territory of Kuala Lumpur and joined the state of Selangor.

“The voters are right and I completely agree with them,” said Nurul Izzah Anwar, Lembah Pantai’s Member of Parliament. After holding several meetings during the year with representatives from multiple housing areas within the constituency, Nurul brought a memorandum to be presented to the Sultan of Selangor in the wee hours of the morning. “I wasn’t going to stand by and let our residents not enjoy another holiday roll over our heads without us getting to enjoy it.”

While the observance of the Sultan of Selangor’s birthday today was certainly a catalyst for the move, other reasons highlighted in the memorandum have included residents of Selangor having to pay for parking on weekends in the constituency, as well as the lack of representation in the national soccer league.

“Actually, we don’t really care about the local football. But we did needed at least three reasons to make a memorandum, and there really isn’t a KLFC now, is there?” Nurul added with a thoughtful expression on her face.

Citizen expression

The constituency of Lembah Pantai currently consists of areas such as Bangsar and Pantai Dalam, as well as housing areas such as Kampung Pantai. While the move has been declared in some quarters as unofficial, many residents affected by the secession have been largely supportive.

“Too long have we suffered under the oppressive powers of the Federal Territory and their disregard for the local populace,” said Amin Lestari, the commanding officer for the People’s Liberation Front of Lembah Pantai (PLFLP).

Like many of his colleagues, Amin has to travel over the KL-PJ border everyday from his house in Section 17 in Petaling Jaya to work in his office in Bangsar. “We applaud the move by our allies, the Selangor state government to release us from the clutches of the federal territories, and their diabolical exclusion of our God-given right to enjoy our public holidays!”

Claiming a membership of over 5,000, the PLFLP has been engaged in what it calls as anti-government activities since the year 2000. Some of these activities have included chatting amongst themselves at the local mamak stalls and not showing up for work on Selangor public holidays.

In response to the secession, a contingent of FRU personnel has been deployed in Bangsar, although the officers on site have been a loss at what to do, as there were no signs of demonstrations or unrest, and have resigned to spending their time at Devi’s Corner.

Word from the top

Speaking over the telephone, the Sultan of Selangor, HRH Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah Al-Haj was known to say, “It is the will of the people, and if the people want to move to Selangor, then by all means.”

Pausing for a moment, the Sultan of Selangor then continued, “Though I would have to say that I’m frankly quite annoyed with paying for parking every time I park my car in Bangsar during my birthday.”

“This hasn’t happened before,” said Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak at a press conference in Parliament earlier today. “Naturally if an area decides that it doesn’t want to be part of Malaysia anymore, then we’d have to step in because its a matter of national security.”

However, when the Prime Minister was reminded that the area in which part of Parliament grounds was located on was part of the Lembah Pantai constituency, Najib replied, “Oh really? I didn’t know that. Alright everyone, the House is closed for the day!” and left the grounds with the rest of the Members of Parliament in a hurry.

Filed under: Malaysia, Satire by Cadraver
No Comments » Tagged with: bangsar • fru • kl • lembah pantai • liberation front of lembah pantai • Malaysia • memorandum • najib • nurul izzah • pantai dalam • plflp • secession • sultan • sultan of selangor

An old building rests in the heart of the capital, and has witnessed a world come and gone, weathering the storm of the Emergency, past the days of Merdeka and has sauntered peacefully into modern day Kuala Lumpur. But its days are numbered, much to the dismay of its inhabitants, who find out they have to move to the demands of progress and business.

A Light in KL City (LIKC) is not the story of an establishment. Rather, it is the tale of those in society who we know little about. Like the hotel, they find themselves as outcasts, ready to be thrown out of an encroaching future, forgotten by both time and their families. It is the story of the people we throw away.

LIKC is a full-length production that will be held at the Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC) from the 22nd to the 27th of December 2009. It is the culmination of the Electric Minds Project (EMP), a theatre group that has brought you the likes of The Things We Have Lost, and many more.

Featuring a cast of Abdul Qahar Aqilah. Tuan Faisal Azmy,Min Li, Charlene Meng, Nick Dorian, Vicknesh Balasundran, Hana Mazlan, Wai Keat and Erna Mahyuni; the play is directed by the likes of Rey Buono, and the music of Mia Palencia.

For more information, check out the EMP web site: www.emptheatre.com/?p=45

Filed under: Malaysia, The Arts by Cadraver
1 Comment » Tagged with: electric minds project • emp • klpac • light in kl city • likc • theatre